everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
