finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
