she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
