well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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