Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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