barbara walters just said penis...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
