just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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