my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
