he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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