I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
