my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
