i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
