I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
