My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
