the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love accidental penises.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize