You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
