i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
