He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
