Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
