He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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