its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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