I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
