i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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