tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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