i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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