this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
