I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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