Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
