Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize