You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
