glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
