the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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