Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
