hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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