Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
