So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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