Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
