So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
