I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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