Can i not drive my cunt home
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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