I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
