Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize