if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
