Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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