i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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