We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
