When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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