Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
