what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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