God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
