He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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