He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
