i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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