By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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