those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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